Kids are energetic and endlessly curious, always asking questions.
But they do have an upside as well. They give you an excuse to go to theme parks, and while mum supervises the littluns in the children’s area, you can satiate the urge for speed in a way you can’t on the UK’s congested roads.
Choosing the right theme park is not just a matter of going to the nearest one. Along with proximity, you need to take account of factors such as price and the quality and range of rides and facilities, for adults and for children.
To help you make your choice I’ve produced a guide to the UK’s top theme parks.
ALTON TOWERS
Britain’s most popular theme park has some of the fastest and – partly driven by the height constraints imposed by tough local planning laws – most innovative rides around.
Also the largest park around, it has a plethora of rides, activities and facilities to cater for the whole family. It even has an on-site hotel and evening entertainment for those that want to stay the night.
Located centrally, Alton Towers is accessible from the whole country.
Location: Alton, Staffordshire, ST10 4DB.
Price: On the day it’s £32 for adults, £22 for young children, £16 for senior and disabled visitors, and free for under fours. Click here for details of online and other discounts.
Opening times: Open from 17 March to 11 November. Gates open at 9:30am and rides start at 10:00am. Opening times can vary so check before your visit.
The Nemesis
For thrillseekers
Strapped into a face-down lying position you soar, swoop and dive like a bird on Air. Nemesis takes you screaming – in both senses of the word – round bends at breakneck speed. On the appropriately named Oblivion, you plummet 200 feet into the abyss. Rita - the Queen of Speed is of course rather fast, reaching 0-1,000kph in 2.5 seconds. Ripsaw spins you round before suspending you cruelly over jets of water. On Submission your carriage rotates 360º in the opposite direction to the axis to which it is attached. Enterprise is like the London Eye on speed, so it’s too fast to admire the scenery. The Blade is essentially the same as that old classic, the Pirate Ship.
For all the family
The Haunted Hollow, Duel (where you can shoot ghosts with a laser gun), Runaway Mine Train, Tea Cup Ride, Congo River Rapids, Hex (where a gyspy’s curse makes the room move), Spinball Whizzer (spinning rollercoaster), the flume, the corkscrew and UG Swinger (a carousel, but with swings).
For young children
Peugeot 207 Driving School, the Beastie (rollercoaster for littluns), Cred Street Farmyard (themed adventure playground), Cred Street (shows and rides), Bouncing Bugs, Frog Hopper, Gallopers Carousel, a haunted wood, a waterpark and Fun House-style antics at the ATTV Show.
Other attractions
Eighteen-hole adventure golf course, 200 acres of landscaped gardens, a spa, and of course, the Alton Towers castle.
Click here to visit the website.
DRAYTON MANOR
Located near Alton Towers, Drayton Manor is not quite as large and spectacular but will be easier on your wallet. And it has a zoo!
It’s also cheaper to stay the night as it has a camping and caravanning site.
And Drayton Manor was named Best UK Attraction for Children by Group Leisure, so if you’re a noble parent and willing to value your children’s enjoyment more than your own, you might want to choose it over Alton Towers. After all, it still has some pretty fearsome rides.
Location: Staffordshire, near Tamworth, B78 3TW.
Price: £20.95 for adults (age 12+), £16.95 for young children (age 4-11), £10 for senior visitors (60+), £13.95 for disabled visitors and free for under fours. Click here for details of online and other discounts.
Opening times: Gates open at 9:30am, and rides from 10:30am to 5:00pm or 6:00pm. Click here for details of when the park is closed.
The Apocalypse
For thrillseekers
Named ‘Britain’s scariest ride’ by the Sunday Times, Apocalypse is the world’s first stand-up tower drop. Shockwave is also an award-winner, voted ‘Best Stand-Up Rollercoaster in the World’ by the rollercoaster Club of Great Britain. Stormforce is a reverse chute water coaster. Maelstrom swings you from side to side and spins you around simultaneously. You’ll spend a lot of time upside down on Pandemonium, which swings you up to 25 metres high and turns you 360º. G-Force – the name says it all about this 70kph rollercoaster. Splash Canyon takes you slaloming down turbulent white-water. The Bounty is new to the park, although the concept is old as it is essentially a variation on the Pirate Ship.
For all the family
The Buffalo rollercoaster, the carousel, the Wild West Shootout, Sombrero (spinning hats!), the Jolly Roger (rocks, rolls and spins), boat rides called Excalibur – a Dragon’s Tale and Pirate Adventure, Drunken Barrels (like the teacups) and Circus World.
For young children
Robinson’s Land offers the Crazy Bus, the Frog Hopper, the Super Dragon Rollercoaster, the Vintage Cars, the Whirly Wheel, the Flying Jumbos and more.
Other attractions
A zoo and Circus World.
Click here to visit the website.
CHESSINGTON’S WORLD OF ADVENTURES
If Drayton Manor is slightly more family orientated than Alton Towers, then Chessington World of Adventures is a little further along that scale. There are rides for the adrenalin junkie, but these are few in number compared to nearby Thorpe Park.
It’s not amazingly cheap either, so this is one to reserve for when you’re feeling flush and your toddlers have been particularly well behaved.
Location: Chessington, Surrey, KT9 2NE. Twelve miles from London on the A243.
Price: Weekend: £29 for adults, £19 for young children (under 12) and £22 for disabled or senior visitors.
Weekend online: £22 for adults, £15 for young children (under 12) and £18 for disabled or senior visitors.
Midweek: £18 for adults, £15 for young children (under 12) and £18 for disabled or senior visitors.
Click here for details of other discounts.
Opening times: Open between 10 February and 2 January. Times depend on the season. Click here for a breakdown of opening times throughout the seasons.
Rameses Revenge
For thrillseekers
Rameses Revenge swings you round, suspends you cruelly over a fountain, and then spins you round as you drop. You feel isolated in your terror in the cars on the Rattlesnake rollercoaster as they hurtle round individually. The Dragon’s Fury rollercoaster spins as it screams round the track. Black Bucaneer is an incarnation of the obligatory Pirate Ship.
For all the family
Spinning you round and firing water jets at you, Billy’s Whizzer leaves you dizzy and wet. Ride through a spooky labyrinth and fire laser guns at mummies and scarab beetles on Tomb Blaster. Runaway train suits those who like their rides fast but aren’t too good with heights. Dragon Falls is a variation on the old classic, the Log Flume. You get a buffeting by waves on the aptly named Seastorm. Bubbleworks is another watery ride through chutes, fountains and foam bursts. Vampire has one of the lowest height restrictions in Europe for such a serious rollercoaster.
For young children
Kids shoot each other with foam balls on Dennis’s Madhouse. The Dragon’s Playhouse is a soft play centre. Sir Squirtalot is a talking fountain who’ll give kids a soaking. Canopy Capers is a network of walkways between treehouses. Hocus Pocus Hall is a ghostly walk through a haunted mansion. Safari Skyway gives you an aerial view of the zoo. Children can adjust the height of their elephant on the roundabout-style Flying Jumbos. Other rides include Berry Bouncers, Carousel, Tiny Truckers, Toadies Crazy Cars, Roger the Dodger’s Dodgems and the Sea Dragons boat ride. There are also amusement arcades at the Fun Fort Amusement Centre and shows for tots at the Dragon’s Tale Theatre and the events stage.
Other attractions
A zoo, a London Eye-esque observation wheel, the Early Learning Family Centre – an an indoor picnic (?!) area with parenting facilities and games, etc for the kids – and the Park Side Private Event Venue, which is available for hire and holds 1,500 guests.
Click here to visit the website.
THORPE PARK
Since been bought by the Tussauds Group Thorpe Park has been transformed from little more than a water park to a key destination for adrenalin junkies.
It’s still got a massive water theme to it – in the toddler’s area it’s all marine-related – and in fact the theming itself has been accused of being quite poor. But it’s got some top rides, and just like a party doesn’t need to have fancy dress as long as there’s lots of booze, a theme park lives and dies by its rides, not the coherence of its theme.
Location: Staines Road, Chertsey, Surrey, KT16 8PN
Price: Pay on the day: £32 for adults (12+), £20 for young children (under 12), £16 for disabled visitors, and £20 for senior visitors. Click here for details of online and other discounts.
Opening times: Seasons runs from 17 March to 4 November. Times depend on the season. Click here for breakdown of opening times according to seasons.
The Nemesis Inferno
For thrillseekers
Go from 0-80kph in less than two seconds and as high as 205ft on the Stealth. Colossus has some brutal corkscrews. Detonator lifts you 100ft into the air and leaves you tense, waiting for the heart-in-mouth 75km/h drop. Nemesis Inferno sends you hurtling mercilessly round sharp bends, all the time with your legs dangling beneath you – except when you’re upside down. Quantum is a magic carpet ride with side to side and back and forth motion. Swings aren’t usually scary, but Rush is one seriously big swing. Strapped onto what resembles rotor blades, you spin round on the end of a long, swinging arm on Samurai. On Slammer you sit on the end of a long rotating arm, which literally sends you head over heels. Tidal Wave is essentially the log flume, but brilliantly themed with submerged houses around you. Vortex swings you higher and higher in your spinning ring. If you like to face the way you’re going then avoid No Way Out, a rollercoaster that moves backwards in the dark.
For all the family
The Flying Fish is a great first-time rollercoaster. Depth Charge takes you down double dip flumes. Logger’s Leap is a tamer version of Tidal Wave. Miss Hippo’s Fungle Safari is a car ride round the jungle. Mr Monkey’s banana ride is the pirate ship in banana form. The Rocky Express is a spinning, undulating ride. Pirates 4-D is a 3-D pirate-themed comedy film. Other rides include the Ribena Rumba Rapids, Storm in a teacup and Chief Ranger’s Carousel.
For young children
Features a variety of marine-themed rides, including Fantasy Fish, Galleon Race, Happy Halibuts, Ollie Octopus, the Sing Zone, Sea Snakes and Ladders, Slippery Serpent, Swinging Seashells, Up Periscope and Wet Wet Wet (mercifully not the band).
Other attractions
The Park has an artificial beach. Canada Creek Railway Station takes you between Canada Creek and Thorpe Farm.
Click here to visit the website.
